{"id":2190,"date":"2025-12-29T23:06:44","date_gmt":"2025-12-29T23:06:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/?p=2190"},"modified":"2026-03-08T23:12:33","modified_gmt":"2026-03-08T23:12:33","slug":"nice-is-not-a-virtue","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/?p=2190","title":{"rendered":"Nice Is Not a Virtue"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Quote for Reflection:\u00a0<\/strong>Nice is sweet and accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what we believe in. It does not indicate where our boundaries are.<\/em>\u00a0~Sarah Powers<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Nice is defined<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice is a description of a situation, person or object that is a catch-all-word. Nice is defined as being agreeable, pleasant, satisfaction, and pleasing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It originated between 1250\u20131300 ADE. In Middle English, it meant foolish or stupid. In Old French it meant silly or simple, and it was defined in Latin as ignorant or incapable. \u2018Nice\u2019 has certainly gone through an evolution of understanding\u2026 or has it really?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You may hear or say these examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. She has such a nice body.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. I only want to be friends with nice people.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. You might want to date this nice man I work with.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. That\u2019s a nice home that you have.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. Let\u2019s see how nice you can be with your little sister.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  6. What a nice gesture for the CEO to do for the employees.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  7. That was not a nice remark.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  8. She\u2019s nice when it suits her needs.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  9. We were taught to be nice to people of other ethnic races.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  10. He used to be nice, but now he\u2019s wealthy.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Nowhere does \u2018nice\u2019 indicate that there is any depth in using this word. It\u2019s a surface adjective, verb, or noun. It is highly misunderstood in how to respond to another or what it really means in the brevity it can often be communicated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    One of the reasons that I\u2019m writing about this word is I so often hear my clients or acquaintances tell me about \u2018nice\u2019 connections or situations on a weekly basis. And my ears perk up. I want to know more. People or situations who are \u2018nice\u2019 can have a great deal more characteristics as part of the way others respond to them or they want to be responded to. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nice is not a virtue<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nice is not a virtue. \u2018Nice\u2019 can more often lack the attributes or virtues of being genuine, real, authentic, safe, trustworthy, kind, creative, caring, unique, honest, or having integrity, yet people seem to assume that it would include these qualities. Nice may not be a safe word to be described as having or being, like in example #1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nice\u2019 is not the word \u2018kind\u2019. Feel into the word \u2018kind\u2019 which is a virtue, and feel into \u2018nice. Many of the statements I listed could have had \u2018kind\u2019, \u2018caring\u2019 or \u2018fun\u2019 in replacing \u2018nice\u2019 if they were true for the person. This explains why it\u2019s important to really feel into what we define or identify, so our communication is clearer, more descriptive of the truth of what we\u2019re saying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    To me, \u2018kind\u2019 has a power that feels trusting, grounded, and present. \u2018Nice\u2019 feels shallow with little substance, like smoke that goes \u2018poof\u2019. It can change with a breath. I mean, narcissists can act \u2018nice\u2019 at first. So can psychopaths. I doubt that you\u2019d hear they were ever kind or trustworthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Emotional expectations<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    As I listen into and under people\u2019s stories during work or out in the world, what I really hear is a lack of awareness of what is truly being set up in the connection with the other. There is a great deal of what isn\u2019t being said and a naivet\u00e9 of what the connection is really about with it \u2018being nice\u2019. Emotional expectations can occur but rarely expressed until something happens. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    These can be about thinking that whom or whatever is \u2018nice\u2019 will stay that way, as in being agreeable, pleasant, satisfying or pleasing, and thus living out the days this way. This can often set things up as co-dependent situations or interactions. When others have emotional expectations of the \u2018nice\u2019 person, situation or object, resentment can appear when the \u2018nice\u2019 doesn\u2019t show up that way. (Example # 5)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Attempting to be a people-pleaser<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    This would be true if \u2018nice\u2019 were attempting to be a people-pleaser. The \u2018nice\u2019 acts in ways that appear agreeable or satisfying to others, but their inner motivation or experience might not match. There is really an adjusting outside themselves to what they think others\u2019 expect them to be, or attempting to get others not to see what is really going on for them. They want people to see a surface persona. This can be both deceptive and an unclarity of intent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Consider that if the action of \u2018nice\u2019 changes from whatever \u2018nice\u2019 is being defined as or expected, then the identity of the person could likely change with it to unfavorable (like in examples #7 and #9) And that identity piece is used in judgment against the \u2018nice\u2019 situation or person. (#2 and #8) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    True story at a social event<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I took a seat where there were seven other people around a circular table talking. It was at a social event where I was sitting next to a person who is considered \u2018nice\u2019 (and kind) by many. There was a conversation that ensued that didn\u2019t involve us. Another had attempted to instigate a political view that was blatantly intolerant. He had actually said that no one had better disagree with him, or they should just leave the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    He then starred at the \u2018nice\u2019 person, though she had made no comment or facial expression to provoke his glare. It was an intimidation tactic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Responding in a surprised and slightly nervous tone, she said that she had \u2018no opinion and knew nothing about the situation\u2019. Considering the nature of topic and the projecting person\u2019s comment, it would be difficult not to have any knowledge or feelings about what was said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Her response was \u2018nice\u2019, safe, and non-engaging, but I didn\u2019t feel the realness of it in lieu of the presenting situation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    His intense glare continued around the table at others as if to dare those who might disagree with him. In that moment, no one said a thing and remained seated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I watched, and then stood up, looked at the \u2018nice\u2019 person, and said, \u201cThis energy doesn\u2019t work for me,\u201d and left the area. I had no qualms about taking action that felt aligned for who I am. I didn\u2019t feel intimidated by him at all. I knew his misaligned energy was being used to bully others into submission.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    With that, I had a choice to either engage further or disengage. I took the opportunity to physically disengage since that was really my response in disagreeing. I walked into another room and though I saw him later, I stayed away. Being around him was not how I wanted to be present at this event.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Difficult to be genuine<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    To stay \u2018nice\u2019, can sometimes mean that one\u2019s boundaries, needs, and true feelings go out the window. This can come from a fear of exposing what is really going on, or how the situation needs to be approached or dealt with authentically. Thus, \u2018nice\u2019 would find it difficult to be genuine. Keeping the label of \u2018nice\u2019 holds a favorable status before others as well as a way to be classified as accommodating. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    I realize that this may be an uncommon angle to clarify a widely used word. The way we use our language, though, is very important. It can create safety, sovereignty, and power. It is a vibration. Whether in being a healer, a media presenter, or a friend, being mindful of this helps all of us in listening more carefully and with depth under what is being presented and to use discernment. It supports us to ask the questions to hear the real truth, authenticity, or integrity in our associations and in our environments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    In support of using genuine virtues in communication,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Judy<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For more on emotional denial patterns and the word, \u2018nice\u2019, check out Book 3, Chapter 18 of Moving Beyond Revised.<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0https:\/\/www.themovingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/store\/The-Moving-Beyond-Revised-Book-3-p705810112<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Quote for Reflection:\u00a0Nice is sweet and accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what we believe in. It does not indicate where our boundaries are.\u00a0~Sarah Powers Nice is defined Nice is a description of a situation, person or object that is a catch-all-word. Nice is defined as being agreeable, pleasant, satisfaction, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2192,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_eb_attr":"","site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"default","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"disabled","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"default","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"set","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blogs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2190"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2190\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2193,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2190\/revisions\/2193"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2192"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/movingbeyondtraumaproject.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}